I discovered a new invention, and it’s going to make me rich.  It’s a simple thing that will solve one of the major dilemmas of drivers everywhere.  It may even bring world peace.

Like most inventions, mine happened purely by accident.  There I was, making my way along in the center-lane of a 3-lane highway, trying my best to avoid taking any part in the daily mess that is the Afternoon Commute (aka the “Idiot and A-Hole Parade”).  I don’t drive slow, but I don’t drive fast either (unless I get in the passing lane…in which case I do that most rare and unusual thing…I actually PASS people).

When I can, I prefer to mind my own business when I commute, and stay as far away as possible from the Retard Factor.  One of my favorite RF scenarios is the Creeper in the Passing Lane.  This is the guy who either refuses to accept the reality that some people drive like NASCAR wannabes, or he’s well-aware of it, and likes to try and slow them all down.  What he does is park his ass in the PASSING lane, and go just a little bit faster than the cars in the middle lane.

This has two main effects.  One, it REALLY pisses off the NASCAR / Starbucks-Infused crowd.  These are the people who ‘absolutely, positively have to be there in the next few seconds’.  They show about the same level of patience as Donald Trump would with an unattractive female contestant on “The Apprentice”.

The other effect is that it pisses off ME.  Why?  Because I’m usually in the middle lane, (minding my own business, remember?).  Normally, I’m semi-content.  But like most people, I don’t like being boxed in.  So while I’m sitting contentedly in the MIDDLE lane, here comes The Creeper.  And he’s got about 30 cars in his wake, all jockeying around like agitated hornets, buzzing in and out of all three lanes in a frenzied attempt to get around this idiot.  Traffic is somewhat heavy, but moving.

Now, I don’t like to be caught up in this stuff.  Generally-speaking, I like to side-step tornados…rumor has it that they kind of suck.  If this guy was going the typical speed in the passing lane, I’d probably be OK.  But here’s what usually happens – as Zucchini-Brain gets closer, traffic ahead of me invariably slows down drastically (for no apparent reason other than the fact that *I* have arrived). 

I could cut over to the PASSING lane, but right at that moment the idiot is now on my left, having decided that this would be a good time to speed up a little.  Besides, I’ve lost count of the number of times that I have lost my patience and tooled into the passing lane pushing 90, only to see a State Trooper materialize out of the nether.  I swear I can make the law appear just by THINKING about running a yellow light.

So now I’m in the thick of it.  Mr. Clueless is slowly leading an entire pack of really angry wolves, several of which are now stacked up right behind me like I’m a slow guy at Daytona.  I myself can’t go anywhere due to the now-slower traffic in front of me, but that doesn’t matter…I’m now bearing the brunt of the mess that the Idiot slowly pulling away on my left created.

Tailgating is perhaps one of the more annoying things anyone could do to me.  I’m fairly certain I could be the sole adult at a day-care center for aspiring Bart Simpson’s, and come out of it less aggravated than being tailgated in situations where there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I always wonder what’s going through the pea-brains of these idiots while I sit there counting the hairs on their faces.  Do they expect me to just start plowing into the cars in front of me, all so THEY can go faster?  I can’t even pull out of their way due to the traffic.  And they took away my rear-mount RPG hookup, so I can’t just blow them up, tempting as it is.

That’s where my new invention comes in…The Tailgate Buster.  As I continued to drive along, I saw a few cars ahead of me swerve a bit.  This usually indicates some type of road debris.  Most times it’s harmless.  I love it when somebody drastically alters the path of their 4,000 pound SUV tooling along at 75 mph because they almost hit a plastic grocery bag. 

In this case it turned out to be a big ball of black twine.  It was fluttering about loosely enough as cars went by it, which implied it was lightweight, so I ruled out the chance that it was some type of cable.  It was definitely in the “string” category.  Given the fact that if I swerved to avoid it I would probably cause a 20-car pileup, I opted to run right over it.
That’s when the fun began, because it apparently got stuck under my car somewhere.  But it was an end-piece that got stuck, not the main ball of twine itself.  The main ball of twine began to play out behind me, reaching a length of about 30-40 feet or so before it knotted up.  I was now ‘towing’ a spastic ball of twine.

I immediately noticed an effect…the cars behind me BACKED OFF.  It was as if I was dragging a small nuclear device.  People scattered faster than what happens when a stranger yells “HELP” in New York City.  All these macho guys who moments ago were ready to scrape the chrome off my bumper were now retreating in the face of…a killer ball of twine.
So for the rest of my drive home I sat back and smiled as my twine gleefully skittered from side to side behind me, keeping the Idiots and A-Holes at bay, while I mused over the various names under which I would market my new invention.