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|Fart on Demand
|11.19.08 (7:20 am) 
I sometimes wonder what I would wish for if I came across a genie in a bottle. I know that if it happened to me right at this very moment, there would be no hesitation – I would ask for the ability to FOD. That would be Fart On Demand. I honestly believe that having this would greatly improve the quality of my life.
For example, I was sitting at my desk this morning when my daily intake of oatmeal and coffee entered the middle stages of its magical churn cycle in my abdomen. This phase is well before the ‘evacuation’ bit, so it’s not as if I have to go release a load or anything like that. It’s just gas, plain and simple. Well, maybe not ‘plain’ because I shudder to imagine the damage that could be inflicted by the gaseous content of two-hour old oatmeal festering in my stomach.
My point is, I have to fart. And it’s rather urgent. So I get out of my chair…somewhat carefully mind you, because as I get older I’ve found that one wrong cheek-move and I’ve got myself an escapee…and I head to the men’s room. But once I get to the official ‘farting’ room, my ass changes its mind. I’ve come to realize my ass has developed preferences when it comes to farting, and it seems that it’s favorite medium is a soft cushion. Office chair, car seat, crowded airplane…it doesn’t seem to matter as long as I’m sitting, or surrounded by strangers.
Of course this cushion theme has a few major issues. The most pressing is ‘retention’, as in the ability for a chair, couch, etc to retain a fart, once it has been deposited. Take my car, for example. Besides being my ass’s numero uno favorite place to perform, it seems that my car seat has an amazing storage capacity. I swear there are some farts in there that are three and four years old, maybe older. And they seem to age with time. I’m not exactly sure that savoring a fine, 2005 broccoli-with-garlic-butter fart will ever become a popular pastime, but man, that seat sure can spit them back out. Which probably explains why my car repair guy hates me so much.
Speaking of car farts, there’s also this phenomenon called the Passenger Seat or Right Turn Fart. I call it that because I’ll be driving along a straight roadway for a while, and then when I slow down and turn, all of a sudden I’m in a fart cloud. And *I* didn’t do it. Although I admit my sphincter has a mind of its own, it really can’t do a heck of a lot without me knowing about it (although my poor wife would disagree as she claims that while I am sleeping, *IT* is wide awake and partying in bed). So where did this fart come from? I’ll tell you where…a previous passenger silently deposited it there, and it slowly rose up and was hanging out right next to me enjoying the ride. And then when I turned the car, it casually shifted over to my side.
If I could fart on demand, I would have sooooooo much fun in elevators. And anytime I am standing next to an old person (they’re great if you have to release one…just get close to them, let it rip, and walk away…anyone who notices will simply look at the oldest person around and slowly shake their head). Or if I find myself cornered by a nattering bore-O-matic, I could just squeeze a few out and – presto – I’m free!
You know, now that I think about it, I do recall a certain amount of spontaneous freedom when I was a boy. Seemed like I was able to FOD a lot more then, like the time I was at an old McDonald’s. This one had hard, plastic seats. And let me tell you, when you farted onto one of those puppies, the *whole* restaurant knew. The echo was incredible. Course I was with the boys, and we started laughing so hard we had special sauce coming out of our noses.
Sigh – those were the good old days. Now I find that the farts only come out when it’s bad timing, like at job interviews. What this world needs is a fix for these kinds of issues! Screw the energy crisis…I’ve got PLENTY of energy to spare! Just need a reliable way to mine it all!
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 11.19.08 (10:59 am)
Ah, gfak -- another delightful post!
I don't think I'd want the FOD ability if I saw a genie. I'd ask for an infinite number of wishes instead!
posted by: PirateGirl (reply)
post date: 11.19.08 (11:54 am)
Blimey Matey! - I do believe that is one of the best *wish requests* I have ever heard (no punn intended) ;D
posted by: auntconi (reply)
post date: 11.21.08 (12:54 am)
hehehe ~ I'll bet when you were in school you had NO PROBLEM when asked to write a '500 word essay' on 'anything' on short notice ~ I'm right, eh?
posted by: sizzle (reply)
post date: 01.03.09 (8:41 am)
I wish you'd the ability to POD (Post on Demand). Man, it was last year you posted this. Not a single post in 2009! I demand it NOW! Post on Demand!
posted by: auntconi (reply)
post date: 01.07.09 (5:35 pm)
we are all awaiting your next post... we need a good chuckle... why even to laugh out loud... please, pretty please, with sprinkles on it???
Hope you and the family had a pleasant holiday season.